Learning to Listen to Our Children
“Momma, where is Daddy?”
“Mom, where are we going?”
“Mom, does this bad guy hurt the good guy?”
“Look what I can do!”
“Did you know that: my tiger…my lion roars…my finger hurts because I squished it in here, but now it is okay…”
“Can I jump off the table?”
One of the many things I’ve been learning in the season of littles is to actively listen.
It seems that my three-year old is always talking. From the time he gets up in the morning to the moment he gets in bed, and then he even talks to himself in bed.
Our mornings start something like this: “I had a good nap, Momma.” (It doesn’t matter whether it is an afternoon nap or sleeping all night, in Seth’s mind both are naps.) “My belly is hungry. What is for breakfast?…I don’t want that for breakfast…”
Mommas of littles, you know what I am talking about, right? I know I’m not the only one with a talker. Talking is my gauge of how sick Seth is, if he isn’t talking then it must be pretty bad.
These past few months I’ve started to realize just how much I’m tuning out. I will absently answer one of Seth’s questions like “Can I jump off the table?” with “uh-huh” or “sure” to seconds later figure out what he said and have to go back and correct myself. That always goes well. “No, Seth I wasn’t listening, you can’t jump off the table.” It confuses him and makes me wonder what brilliant or scary questions I have answered with “uh-huh.”
How I’m learning to listen to my littles:
When I want Seth to listen and remember what I say, I have him stand in front of me and look into my eyes. Eye contact and body positioning are things I need to work on as well. I need to look at him, face him, and pay attention when he is talking.
Now obviously, looking at him every time he says something isn’t possible. But it is something to work towards. I need to learn to listen and he will have to learn when things are super important to come directly to me instead of walking all over the house. 🙂
I have also noticed this trend of inactive listening in two other important relationships. With my husband and with the Holy Spirit.
Learning to Listen to My Spouse
What gets in the way of active communication with Ben? Honestly, most of the time, it’s technology. We don’t have a computer in our home, but we both have phones with internet connections. We put the boys to bed and the phones come out or a movie goes in. If I have my phone on he is usually trying to talk around it. This goes the other way as well, I will be talking and he will have his phone out, but it might be getting worse in my case, because the other day he made mention of “you and your phone”.
How I’m working on listening to my spouse:
This past week I have been trying to get into a habit of turning my phone off around 8:30 PM. I think this will help this issue before it gets worse.
Learning to Listen to the Holy Spirit
What gets in the way of listening to the Holy Spirit? I can only think of a couple answers and I don’t like either of them.
1. I am too busy.
I don’t take time to stop and listen. I don’t take time to wait. To sit and be still.
When you are living in the season of little’s and trying to survive toddlerhood and all that comes with it making the time to sit down and listen for God can be hard. However I am realizing just how much I need to do this. The days that I don’t spend time in devotions are much harder than the days I do. {Check out this post for ways to include your children in your daily quiet time}
This past weekend my husband and I were made aware of how much we have neglected this important area. We attended The Art of Marriage conference that was hosted by our church. There were six sessions on issues related to marriage such as: communication, leaving a legacy, sex and keeping God in the relationship. Both of us came out of the conference re-commiting to work in keeping God in the proper place. He is number one.
2. I am hardening my heart.
There have been times in the past where I have distinctly heard the Spirit and yet I have hardened my heart. I have felt the gentle urge to say something and have not. I get to caught up in myself, worried about what people will think. I have felt the need to go help someone and have not, afraid of what people will think about that crazy lady. This is the answer that I dislike the most. Why? Because hardening my heart is a sin.
7Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,
“Today, if you hear his voice,
8do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
on the day of testing in the wilderness,
9where your fathers put me to the test
and saw my works for forty years.
10Therefore I was provoked with that generation,
and said, ‘They always go astray in their heart;
they have not known my ways.’
11As I swore in my wrath,
‘They shall not enter my rest.’”12Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Hebrews 3:7-13
How I’m working on listening to the Holy Spirit:
We are working on personal and family devotion time. For me this will mean taking the time to make time to sit and study. It may mean putting in a movie for the toddler and crawler, less internet time in the morning, whatever it takes. It is something I need to do.
I will be praying for God to soften my heart. I will be praying to follow the Spirit no matter how silly it seems. I will work on overcoming my own inhibitions, because these are what are causing my to sin. I need to remember that every time I ignore the Holy Spirit there is someone out there who loses out.
I’m not the only one affected by my lack of listening. There is the person asking God to show himself to them that day, the momma who needs to hear that she is doing okay, the older women who needs me to show love and help her carry her groceries, the young girl who is looking for a role model. Remembering that everything I do or do not do can affect someone’s eternal life is a sobering thought.
How do you listen and respond to your toddler? Is technology getting in the way of your relationships? How do you keep your heart soft and respond to the Spirit’s leading? If you liked this post, remember to share it with your friends!
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Encouragement for the Spiritually Hungry Momma
Such a good reminder. As I started reading your post, I remembered the quote about them telling you the big stuff and then sure enough, you had it in the post. 🙂
🙂 I don’t have the quote memorized yet, but probably will soon as it pops into my head every time I realize I’m not listening.
Such a good post. But I need my technology for my own sanity! I just need to make sure it doesn’t create that barrier. Should be interesting when Nicky starts talking. (By the way I had that problem too when I was a teacher. But I often caught myself afterwards and asked them to repeat themselves!)
Oh, I too use technology as a sanity saver, I just need to learn to limit my time when hubby is home so that I am actively listening if/when he wants to talk.
All I can add is that my husband never outgrew the “littles”! I find myself nodding and half listening. He talks a lot. I wonder if his listened when he really was a “little”. lol.. ;D
You were blessed with a talker? 🙂 I know you feel my pain sometimes. 🙂
I am the WORST at this! I swear I feel like it! But lately, I have been making an effort to do better because one day my son said ” Mama look at me!” and I said, “Ok, I am” but really I was replying to an email on my phone. He said ” Mama, that is not looking at me. That is looking at your phone!” and I felt SO bad!
Aww. I always feel so humbled an sad when my son points out things like that. God definitely knows how to keep us in our place sometimes. Here is to hoping we both start listening to our boys! We can do this!
What a great post! I know I am sometimes too preoccupied with blogging and ignore too many people. How do you blog without a computer in the home?
I use my phone to comment and respond to comments. I try to schedule my posts and use my mom’s computer over the weekends, sometimes that doesn’t happen and I post of my phone. That is when there are icky phone pictures in the posts. 🙂
That is amazing you can post off your phone. I have a hard time writing a text!
I had a talker. She even talked in her sleep. It’s really, physically not possible to listen to a talker 100 percent of the time. All you can hope for is that you’re listening for certain words like “jump” “cut” or “cook”! Those can be disaster words.
I know I can’t listen 100% of the time, it is just an area that I need to work on a little more. 🙂
Yes, I try to listen for trigger words at least. 🙂
I am guilty of this as well…glad to know I’m not the only one!
Definitely not the only one momma! 🙂
I think we have all been there. I know we get busy and it is can be burdensome to keep our ears fixed even though that is where we need to be.
Yes, it can be. 🙂 Thanks for coming by!
All the technology (including television) has done a number on relationships of all kinds. I have no small ones at home but I see this distraction going on at work, in the grocery stores, scary… on the roads, and yes.. guilty!! in my own home. I am trying ‘unplugged’ time at home, not always successfully but necessary if I want to really ‘listen’ to what is going on around me. I don’t want to miss out on the great things in life.. the relationships, the laughs, the smiles and the memories. You were brave coming clean on this.. but not alone. As sure as I’m reading this, I’m sure lots of us could use a little less tech time in our lives.
I really get frustrated with technology when I am out and everyone is on something. Trying to talk to people is getting difficult because you never know if they are even listening to you. My poor husband lately.
I don’t have a toddler but I am oh-so-good at tuning people out…though I try to be present and pay attention, sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way. I’m pretty good at not having my phone in my face when someone’s trying to talk to me because I find it incredibly rude. Other than that, I just make a conscious effort to hear and listen to what the person is saying to me. This was a great reminder post. 🙂
Thanks for coming by Samantha! I think I started tuning my toddler out as a baby, when I had to learn to tune crying in the car, it just progressed from there.
I’m working really hard to being present now. Trying to conquer this before it gets any worse.
As a grandmother who took care of two grandchildren for two months, I suddenly was learning again how to listen and show attention to the chatter. It wasn’t easy to suddenly be the caretaker, but it was a wonderful time. Remember, your littles are learning from you and will be better parents because of how you parented them.
That is a good thing to think of, my children being better parents because of how my husband and I raise them. Thanks!
I bet your grandchildren had lots of fun with you! 🙂
I love that Poem and I will look for it and cute it out to hang in my living room as I d tend to tune my son out as he also talks a lot. But I do try and have him stand in front of me and look at my nose when I am talking to him plus I also get down to his level a lot as I want him to know what he is saying is important but I also let the phone and computer get in the way which I need to stop/
Yay! I’m not the only one who struggles with this!
I’ve seen the quote a few times on Pinterest and just pops into my head now when God knows I need it. 🙂
I teach communication and technology is a huge issue. Awareness is the first step to improving!
That means I’ve conquered the first step! 🙂 Thanks for coming by!
Wow. This post hits home. I have found myself tuning my husband and daughter out because I am thinking of a million other things I could be doing versus listening to them. That’s terrible!!! I then sit down and pray and read the bible only to rush myself and never have the chance to listen to what the Holy Spirit is saying to me. In a sense I am telling him “To hurry, I have a million other things to do” My now prayer is “Lord calm my spirit and my soul so that I can hear from you” Thank you for sharing this post Rebekah!
That quote is one of my favorites. When the little people discover mom isn’t really listening they stop talking (same thing with others and God). I really want my teenagers to talk to me and share everything going on in their lives. How else can I hope to guide them through that tough time? Thank you for the reminder to listen.
I like this quote, but, I also really dislike it at times because it convicts me. 🙂 I do want my boys to be able to come to my husband and I whenever they need advice and comfort.
I also want to be able to show them what it means to respond to the Holy Spirit immediately, without stopping to worry what people might think.
The poem you posted has been in the back of my mind ever since I saw it a few years ago. Our son is a talker ever since day one of course back then was sounds, my husband will get into a talking spree every now and a then and it has taken a lot of discipline for me to tune out my own thoughts and just listen. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone.
You are definitely not alone! I have been doing much better this week as far as getting technology out of the way. I’m trying to turn my phone off by 8:30PM, it gives me lots of “free time” as well. I hadn’t been paying attention to how much time I was spending on silly things. Now when I get on my phone I have things I need to get done and goals to accomplish. 🙂
Great reminder. I don’t have littles, but I teach them. Often I find they are so eager to share with me and I have to remember to give them time to do that! I also have to STOP and listen to my spouse more often. He really thinks about what he wants to tell me, and often I’m busy, preoccupied, or just not listening. We are sitting down for more family dinners, and every night we share our 1 positive about our day. It can be anything, but it helps us listen and reconnect with each other each night.
Thanks for stopping in Lindsay! I love your idea about relating a positive thing that happened each day. It sounds like a great exercise and probably helps you to realize how many ways you have been blessed.
I can be awful at this. I have two kids about the same age and both are constantly at my ankles. My break is turning them off. It is BAD. I always feel guilty for doing this, but I need a break. I love your reminders about really taking the time to sit still and listen to God. I feel I get caught up in the business of our lives that we are missing him. I pray often during the day, but when I set down to pray at night I fall asleep mid prayer. Learning to SLOW down….I need.
Living in the season of littles can be hard! I know tuning the boys out started with having to tune out the crying in the car, it just progressed from there. 🙁
And learning to slow down can be hard as well. It is discipline that has to be learned.
Oh I so really need to remember this – running online business’ does require a lot of tech time but am retraining myself to look someone in the eye when they talk to me which helps with the listening too 🙂
Doesn’t it make it so much easier? I know for myself, if I am looking someone in the eye when they talk to me, I am much less likely to forget.
I know exactly what you mean about technology standing between good listening. My husband and I try to keep a few nights a week tech-free so we can really connect when the kids hit the sack (super early.) It’s been great for our marriage.
That is a great idea. It would give us a reason to get out some of our board games we never play. 🙂
Mine didn’t talk at all until her 2nd birthday and I swear she hasn’t stopped in the ten months since! I too find myself guilty of tuning her out, though I try not too. I find myself doing it with dh too, though in my defense, one of the side effects of his chemo is that it makes him talk A LOT for the day or two after he gets it. He knows he’s doing it and understands and makes sure to specifically get my attention when he wants to make sure I hear him. I’m trying to get munchkin to touch me (or dh) in some way to get our attention when she wants to make sure we hear her. It’s so easy to tune out the voice that never stops.
I hope your husband is winning his fight!
Having your daughter touch you when she has something important to say is a good idea. I may steal that for my son 🙂 We are working on not interrupting and saying excuse me. If it is really important he remembers what he has to say while waiting yo be allowed to talk. If not we all know it wasn’t to big of a deal.
I have these same problems with not actively listening and honestly I just have to turn off my technology as well. My husband made a comment just this past weekend about how he has noticed I have been leaving the phone in the car during dinner and I’ve been listening to his stories more. I do; however, need to work on my relationship with God. I am failing miserably!
Sometimes I wish we could get rid of technology, but only for a split second. 🙂
I always find it encouraging to find I am not alone in needing to strengthen my relationship with God. I am there with you Janet! It is a daily thing to work on. I’m so thankful for my God’s faithfulness in spite of my unfaithfulness.
Great post. It is so important to be present! Seems simple enough, right? There are so many distractions that it is hard to tune in unless you make an effort. Making sure you have that “tuned in” connection with your husband is key. With family demands, children, etc. being able to connect with each other and have things “right” at home makes the rest of life’s stresses so much more manageable. I think when those things are in alignment, you are free to hear the Holy Spirit more readily. 🙂
It seems simple thinking about it, but like you said, it is a lot harder then just thinking. It actually takes work.
I really like your point about the Holy Spirit as well. It is easier to listen when I have everything taken care of, but I also need to make sure not to wait until everything is taken care of. Does that make sense?
Thanks for coming by Roseannne!
Isaiah talks all the time too! Lately he has these huge long stories about a giant and the story just goes on and on and on! Lol. When I want him to pay attention to what I’m saying I get down on his level and hold his hands and say, “look at my eyes.” And lately when I’ve just been responding with “uh-huh” “ok” etc he says, “PLEASE mom, look at my eyes!” lol This post is a good reminder to take time to listen to our kids, husbands, and the Holy Spirit. I’ve been on and off with a quiet time for the last few years but since January I’ve been getting up every morning before the kids do and have had a quiet time most every day. It has made a huge difference in my life and I’m so glad I take the time to do it every day even when I don’t feel like getting up early. Sometimes I do my devotions during nap time but I find it so much easier to listen to the Holy Spirit when the house is quiet and no one’s up yet! Because even during nap time there’s so much going on around me!
I have o turn my phone off while I doing my devotions, otherwise I get distracted very easily if some texts or something. I should just leave it off until I have my devotions done…
What a beautiful post and important reminder! Enjoy every moment..soak up every moment. Thank you for the sweet post, and keep up the great work.
Thank you!
I don’t have children, and please do not be offended, but often when my dogs really need to listen I do the same, I have them sit in front of me and focus on my eyes and speak to them… I just thought it was kind of funny that you do almost the same think with your children 🙂 Because in reality, mine have the capacity of a 2-3 year old toddler, but for all their lives!! LOL
Haha! No offense taken. 🙂 If it works, it works. 🙂
Thank you for posting this! I have pinned that quote to my “thoughts” board on Pinterest, too. Active Listening is really a skill and involves focus, thought and reflection. We all get off track at times…first step is admitting it!
You’re welcome! Writing this made me think about so many other things, and other relationships that my listening skills may be affecting.
I think the lessons we learn as moms (dads) help so much in understanding our hangups surround our relationship with the Lord. I like how you pointed to the issue with really listening to our kids can be an indicator of our listening skills with the Holy Spirit. I’ve taken some peace in the understanding that only God changes hearts, and that is what results in great listening power. So I pray for a new heart often and trust that God is doing just that, slowly changing my heart…
God’s faithfulness is overwhelming. The fact that we have a clean slate every morning, I’m overcome sometimes.
I continue to work on being a better listener…all the time. But with my one nonstop talker and my autistic one who only talks about video games, I find it hard to stay engaged all the time. Some great ideas and things for me to meditate on. Want to make sure they know how important they are to me.
It can be hard, can’t it? We can work on this area together! Thanks for coming by Robyn!
Our children are our most precious gifts. I think at times we have all been guilty of not listening to them as well as we should. Their questions are many, but, I have found that most times, with both with my children and now my grandchildren, the seriousness with which they ask them brings me smiles and warms my heart with one-on-one lasting memories. Your post is so important!
Sometimes my son makes my husband and I laugh so hard! His sweet little questions can be so funny, and then he gets confused which makes it even funnier. 🙂
Thank you so much for the inspiration! I’ve found it helpful to listen to the Bible on audio. The perfect mix of technology and my studies working together instead of against one another.
I’ve heard Bible cd’s are great! Maybe I should look into them. 🙂 Thanks for coming by Vivian!
I have a talker too. Some days it is so difficult to be an active listener. He goes from one sentence to the next with no transition, back to the beginning and round and round. I wouldn’t have it any other way though. I am truly blessed to be his mama!
Aren’t our babies the best gifts ever! I’m so grateful for my talker, but in the moment it can be frustrating. 🙂
I struggle with active listening, even when I am on the phone with people I get distracted so easily and it has backfired on me! I do try to focus more, especially with my husband by setting my phone down when he talks, and closing the computer screen. Its hard to be distracted when nothing is open and available.
My phone is my downfall. 🙁 I need someone to keep me accountable. I have heard there are apps it there that can keep certain apps closed until specific times of days.
The message of this is so important. This is something I’m definitely working on. Thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome! Thanks for coming by!
I am definitely guilty of being distracted by technology around my kids. It’s something I am working on and I set aside time each day to devote just to them where we turn everything off.
That is a good habit to get into Holly!
Thanks for the gentle reminder to really listen and be present for our children. It does become habit and too easy to simply grunt a response…it takes much more input to really engage. I hope to do that each day with my teen.
Rebekah, What a great post! Listening is so very important. My boys are 7 & 9 now and I love that they talk to me about everything. I remember going through similar situations when they were little and even sometimes now. I have to make an effort to listen. I loved that you used your husband and Holy Spirit as examples. Great stuff. By the way The Art of Marriage was a great conference. Blessings, Tina
We loved the conference! I’m sure we will do it again in the future! 🙂
My niece is three years old now and every time I call my sister, I can hear Asiah in the background, singing or talking about something to herself. She is very advanced for her age. My sister is always SO amazed at all she can do, say, and the things that she thinks about. She even goes into the kitchen and makes her own bowl of cereal and wants to help her cook too. My sister does have an issue with this as well, listening to everything Asiah says, but she tries. I think the hiccups happen when parents are trying to get so many things done and off their ‘To Do’ list. It is a great exercise to work on though, listening to your kids. They know when you’re not, even when they don’t react to you. They watch and observe everything at that age 🙂
As for myself, I am a technology junky at times. I’m never really in front of the television, so my computer, my DSLR camera or IPhone is where I spend most of my time. I have a strong relationship with God so we talk daily with each other. However, listening and interpreting what he wants from me, at times, can get a little foggy. Those are the times when I know that I need to sit still, sit quietly away from the technology, and just listen. In this life, there are so many things grabbing our attention, but our spiritual self needs us AS much. It is something that I continue to work on to improve in my life.
Your neice sounds so smart!
This is a great thing to remember. I am guilty sometimes of tuning my boys out because they tell me the same thing in 50 different ways. I need to remember to listen better.
Great quote and one I should learn to be better at. I to often find myself just nodding and not really listening.
I completely agree that eye contact is key when it comes to communication, & I love that quote because it is so true! I need to get better at setting my phone down & having more quality time with my kidlets. I need to also make time in my day to read the scriptures. When I feel like I don’t have the time to read my scriptures in the morning, I tend to have much more stressful days. When I put God first, everything falls into place.
I agree. If I do spend time with God right away, my day goes much better. I am going to try to start waking a little earlier to have time before the house gets busy.
Is it bad that my littles not only talk non-stop during the day but also in their sleep? 🙂
I find that in listening to and observing my kids, I can hear God speaking to me. It’s in the simple things that He wants to teach us lessons about life.
Thanks for the reminder about really listening!
My children have helped my faith grow so much! I have learned so much about character and unconditional love since having my boys.
I miss the these times ,when my children where younger. They talked more and I listened. Now I talk more and hope they listen! I get up earlier for me time, so that when my children are up and about they have my full attention even if they think they don;t need it.
Rising early is a great idea and one I am hoping to implement this month. Thank you for coming by!
I also have a three year old and she is such a talker! Sometimes she makes perfect sense and other times she babbles and then at the end, she says “I don’t know what I’m sayin’!” She cracks me up! Because she’s always chatting away, and I can’t always give her my undivided attention, there are times when I can tell she gets frustrated. It usually ends up something like “Mom, mommy, mom, mom, mom, mommy” with me saying “what?” or “yes” to literally every single one, and at the end, she has nothing to say. Sometimes I think it’s just to get me back for not listening the first time around!
As for technology getting in the way of a relationship, yes! I get frustrated with my hubby when I’m trying to have a conversation with him and he has no idea what I’m saying because he’s on his phone. I’m sure he would say the same about me too!
🙂 We are working on saying excuse me right now, and then having the patience to wait until it is time to talk. A lot of times my son forgets what he was going to say, if he doesn’t, I know it is truly important.
This was very convicting, Rebekah! I am so bad at tuning out my kids and that carries over into my relationship with my husband and the Holy Spirit. My hubby gets upset when I have no recollection of something important he said, because I wasn’t actively listening. I think my biggest problem is that I’m so focused on all the things that need to be accomplished during the day, week, etc. that their voices are all just background noise. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to make time to get away from all the distractions and rest in God’s presence so I can actually hear what He has to say to me.
This is exactly me too!! I think you are right, even in the car, I tend to ignore the noise and push it out so I can think…haha! It is good to know that I am not alone in this struggle.
Great post. Such a great reminder. Even with teens I need this reminder. The Hebrews scripture was especially convicting because I am reading where the Israeli test were rebellies & man I want a soft heart that can hear & obey God!
As a mom of 3 boys, I too would blindly answer then, I had to slow down and learn to listen. Beautiful post. I am working on listening to the spirit.
Rebekah, I love this post. It’s funny, relatable, and has great advice in it. Thank you for sharing!
Great post, Rebekah! Your quote about listening to our children because to them it’s all the big stuff totally convicted me. I need to do a better job of actively listening in my relationships.
I think it is something that is even more needed these days when everyone has a phone or tablet, or electronic something! Be encouraged and know that you aren’t alone in this!!