How Motherhood Changes When You Think You’re Dying

This past year has been rough for me. Samuel’s birth, while good, was so different from what I thought it would be. I now realize what a dangerous situation it could have turned into. My grandma was unexpectedly and shockingly diagnosed with advanced Multiple Myeloma. My best friend moved across the country. And adjusting to four boys was harder than I thought it would be, probably making it seem even harder. Then, I thought I was dying. Motherhood changes when you think you’re dying.

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I woke up one day with tinnitus and the ear doctor was worried about some pains I had been having and wanted me to get an MRI to rule out a brain tumor. I thought that to top the bad and stressful year off I was going to find out that I had an inoperable tumor. I thought I was dying.

The MRI came back clear. I have a “grossly unremarkable” brain.

During those weeks that I thought I was dying, I changed my mothering. I was more gentle in my speech than normal, I listened fully and responded to the boys instead of being distracted by scrolling Facebook or Instagram and getting upset that they were interrupting, we cuddled more, played more games, I was actively seeking to be the mother that I wanted my boys to remember.

After the MRI came back clear though, those things started to fade. I reverted back to who I had been before…I was no longer afraid of dying from a brain tumor.

The truth is….we are all dying.

But, momma, the truth is that we are all dying. We are fading flowers. We are but dust that blows away in the wind. We are mist.

“Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time then vanishes.” – James 4:14

“All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field…the grass withers, the flower fades. But the word of our God will stand forever.”- Isaiah 40:6 + 8

We are here for a moment. A brief moment. What we are doing in that time should always be considered important, incredible, and as if it were our last of whatever it is. We don’t know when we will be called home. We don’t know when one of our children may be taken.

Each moment, of each day, we should be living as if we are dying.

We change when we live like we will die at any moment.

If we can do this, I think we will all find that our whole life changes. Because when you are dying you gratefully accept the hug from the dirty little hands. You take each conversation you can to point your children to Jesus and tell them of the wonders of the Father’s love.

When you are dying you will forget those little things that your husband has been doing that annoy you, you will gratefully pick up dirty socks and clothes, because that means you have a husband here who loves you.

When you live like you are dying, you will listen with delight as your five year old tells you for the fiftieth time about the latest episode of Ninjago {that might be stretching it just a little…}.

When you think you are dying, you will probably find your HEART will change.

This month, this coming year, I’m going to try to be more intentional about my life. I’m going to try to treasure the moments more, while still looking forward to the future. I’m going to try to love harder. I’m going to pray that God would open my eyes to more of the little moments where I can share His love with my husband, with my boys, and with my family.

How do I do this? I use Powersheets by Lara Casey and I also use my planner. In the past I have used the Brilliant Life Planner, and I love it, but this year I am trying the Spirit Filled Woman planner. Powersheets help me to set attainable goals and then break them down into monthly/weekly/daily steps, and a good planner helps me to keep going on those things as well as keeping the rest of my life in order.

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