Nurturing Your Marriage After Baby is Born
These first six weeks after having a baby you are trying to get used to the new human in your life, responding to their needs day and night, and losing sleep. You also are trying to get back into some kind of a routine, while still taking care of yourself and trying to make sure that your partner doesn’t feel left out of all the excitement. But with all of this going on, HOW can you nurture your marriage after baby? How can you see your marriage thrive and grow after you bring home the little bundle that your love made?
Having come through the postpartum year three times myself here are some things that my husband and I have found help our marriage through the first super stressful weeks and the rest of the first year postpartum:
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Sit down together BEFORE BABY IS BORN and talk about your expectations for the first six weeks.
Take a good amount of time to communicate with each other what you think that you will need during the first six weeks. For momma, this could include: one hour every day for self-care, someone to take care of meals (perhaps a meal train), a housekeeper to come two days a week and catch up on the big chores, etc. and for dad this could be: 15-30 minutes’ chill time after he gets home from work before momma starts unloading her day on him, a couple of hours on the weekend to do guy stuff, a date night with momma every other week, etc.
By communicating your needs and expectations before baby is born you will be nurturing your marriage by setting boundaries to protect it.
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Learn your spouse’s love language.
If you haven’t done this yet, and you haven’t figured it out, this could be the game changer for your marriage, even before you have baby. Basically your love language is whatever makes you feel loved, but Dr. Gary Chapman breaks them down into 5 basic languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. The five languages can then have many different dialects and will look different from person to person.
“When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and he feel secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach the highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world.” Gary Chapman
By knowing your spouse’s love language you can make sure that their love tank is kept full, enabling them to be the best parent, employee, employer, etc. that they can be, so that they are truly thriving during the postpartum months.
Use your knowledge to validate and love on your spouse and nurture your marriage after baby:
- leave them love notes/letters in their lunchbox, or email or text them little things throughout the day
- cuddle, hold hands, give a back rub or foot rub, etc. there are many ways to show physical love during the first six weeks that don’t include intercourse
- praise and encourage your spouse in what they are doing, at home with the baby, at work, as they help around the house, etc.
- have small gifts ready for your spouse before baby is born that you can leave them throughout the first six weeks
- set aside quality time to spend with your spouse, if you aren’t ready to leave baby have a date night at home after baby is sleeping
- plan a getaway for you both after baby is older and you feel comfortable leaving them, so that you have something to look forward to
- serve your spouse by doing things that they need done, for momma this can be: putting clothes away, having the living room cleaned up before hubby gets home, organizing some papers that he needs, etc.; for dad, this could be: doing a load of laundry when you get home, washing the dishes so your wife doesn’t have to worry about them, doing one of the things on her list of daily needs, etc.
This list is by no means exhaustive. If you need more ideas, or struggle to know what your spouse’s love language is I highly recommend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
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Extend grace to each other.
The first six weeks are going to be tough for both of you. You will be tired, hungry, cranky, and most likely over the moon in love with your baby. You may say some things that you regret, your spouse may do something that frustrates you. As you walk through the first six weeks of parenthood and the first year postpartum remember to give each other grace. Grace is giving someone something that they do not deserve. Shower your spouse with grace and forgiveness, you are both going to make mistakes, give what you would want given in return.
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Plan at home date nights.
At home date nights are a good way to connect with your spouse in a fun way, while still recovering from birth, and learning about your baby. When you think about how you can nurture your marriage after having baby, try to think of some ways that you can have fun date nights at home after baby is sleeping.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
- Plan a theme night- eat Chinese and watch a movie set in China, chocolate night where every dish must include some kind of chocolate, eat the dishes from your favorite book, etc.
- Game night- no food needed, just play a game that you haven’t played together in a while
- Poetry Reading- write a poem to your spouse and then read them to each other
- Massage night- exchange back and foot rubs with your spouse, drink cucumber water, and listen to calming music
If you need more ideas check out this post that has 350+ at home date night ideas.
How to nurture your #marriage during the first six weeks after baby is born. #postpartum #takebackpostpartum Click To Tweet-
Talk, Talk, Talk.
During the first six weeks postpartum, communication is key to nurturing your marriage. Try to set aside 10-15 minutes each evening, or whenever best works for your family, each day to communicate with your spouse. Talk about what is working, what isn’t working, what you need help with, how you can best support each other, and any other thing that needs to be talked about. The first six weeks can be stressful enough, don’t allow unresolved issues to get bigger than they need to be by waiting to talk about them until “later”.
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Connect with other couples who have children and can help you through the first six weeks.
Connecting with other couples who have come through the first six weeks after baby is born gives you people to turn to when you have questions or struggles. You could ask a couple to mentor you and your spouse, you could set up meetings with them before, during, and after the baby is born and ask them questions about how they worked together in the initial postpartum period. How did they nurture their marriage after baby? What strategies did they use to stay connected and work together as a team? What things would they have changed about their time in the first six weeks?
The first six weeks after having your baby are fun, exciting, tiring, and rewarding. By making sure to nurture your marriage after baby, you are creating a stronger foundation for your life as a family, and setting a good example for your children, that marriage is important and worth working at.
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Love this! I especially love sitting down and discussing expectations ahead of time. I’m horrible at this and that leads to my being resentful because Husband can’t read my mind and just KNOW what I want/need. And the love languages is such a great tool for marriages!
Oh my goodness! I do this all. the. time. I get super moody and then my poor hubby is so confused!!
If my husband told me about any needs during the first 6 weeks of post partum it would not go well! I think thecmen need to understand their needs are irrelevant during that time.
I can understand where you’re coming from as mom’s recovery and baby’s growth are the most crucial and dad should focus on those first, but he still has needs as a part of the family. Maybe he needs directions about how to help or to would like to have some time to bond with the baby. Maybe he needs to feel loved and appreciated. I think it would be helpful to have pre-birth conversations about expectations and create a realistic plan for the roles and needs of each parent before the chaos of real life sets in. Having a flexible plan to be mindful of both parents is crucial. He still needs to eat, sleep, and likely go to work and take care of as much of the house/mommy/baby stuff as he can. And he might be feeling a bit left out or overwhelmed and need some encouragement to jump in. They may not be the most important needs but caring for them after the crucial ones are done, will strengthen your marriage and empower him to care better for you too.
Yes!! I completely agree with you Jen! I found after having my daughter that making sure my husband’s needs were met helped him to meet my needs and baby’s needs even more! All he needed was to know that he was still loved and appreciated and had his place in our family!
This is my favorite post I’ve read about supporting your marriage after kids. I wish I read this a year ago! These are great pointers. My husband and I took a date night yesterday and talked about a lot of this stuff, I hope we continue building and strengthening our relationship now and when we welcome future children!
That’s great to hear! Communication is soo important! I’m glad that you and your hubby were able to have some good time together, hopefully you can continue to apply these tips as you welcome more children into your family!
Great tips. I would also add that when talking with other couples, ask who they have babysit for them! We have no family anywhere close to support us, and we had awesome friends who were able to loan us their nanny so we could do dates once per month at around 3 months (even an hour lunch date!). It helps a lot. 🙂
Oh, that is a great tip, Heather! What wonderful friends! I’m so glad that you had a support system even though you weren’t close to family.
Great tips. I think people sometimes get so caught up in planning everything for the BABY that they forget to plan how their OWN lives will change. Discussing expectations and how you can still build your relationship even with a new little (demanding) bundle of joy is super important.
I think talking about expectations is a great idea. I have a relatively easy postpartum period with my husband and mine’s first daughter. Our second one … it was really hard. I had absolutely NO interest in sex even after the six week mark … and this extended well into her first year of life. Touch is my partner’s love language and we had lots of talks about how this wasn’t about him … it was about my hormones and not wanting to be touched after being clung to all day by a baby who was nursing constantly. He was very understanding although we literally only had sex once in the first year. Fortunately, when I weaned her, everything got MUCH better in that department and we’re all a lot happier. Talking is key. Talk, talk, talk.
Yes! And I think it is also important that women hear your part to. Communication can help us to get through those hard times when we feel touched out, and when sex isn’t possible. Thanks for sharing that, Jen!
This would have been so nice to read before having my firstborn. Our worlds were turned inside out when he came and it is tough, but you are spot on with each point: communication, making time for each other, and GRACE – lots of it!
This is perfect for new parents. Love this, Rebekah 🙂
I’m so excited that you came by, Amy! I hope others will find it encouraging as well!
The first six weeks? Girl, on my first baby the first 3 months were difficult. We were young and still learning to fully communicate. We needed that stressor to grow as couple though. I wish I had known #1 before we had a baby. These are really great! I hope a lot of first time moms that are pregnant read this so they know what to expect!
Hey Erica, I definitely wasn’t meaning that these things were only for the first six weeks postpartum, but I do think that people don’t often think about how they can protect and nurture marriage after baby.
I agree that the first 6 weeks are especially hard. I am glad you suggested that couples sit down and set expectations. I would also encourage people to talk to other couples about what it is really like because it is hard to have realistic expectations if you don’t really know what’s going to happen.
I feel like I am constantly working on my relationship since the baby has come around. And most of it is because I get really stressed out with everything on my plate. But we have just started having date nights, so it is helping a lot.
I need to read the love language book, I feel like that would help us.
The Love Language Book is sooo helpful! I think you will have lots of ideas and new things to try to nurture your marriage, after you read it.
So, so, so good! I wish I would have known all of this when our first one was coming!!! <3 We're on number 4 now and it's such a good reminder still.
🙂 Thanks, Kala!
Such great tips! In fat I think they can be applicable far beyond the first six weeks. My oldest is 4 and my youngest is 15 months, and it can still be a struggle!! Thanks for sharing these!
These tips after definitely helpful for long after the first six weeks! You can use these to nurture your marriage long after babies have come and gone. 🙂
I love this post so much because, it is incredibly important! I agree with all of this. At home date nights was so helpful for us!
Great ideas to not let marriage take the back seat! Our family has been through it 5 times and this list would have been helpful each time. You forget each other’s needs when you’re tired and overwhelmed by the changes!
These are great tips! Spending qaulity time together with in-home date nights and regular heart to heart conversations are so important with a new baby in the house!